If You Give Nicki A Muffin
by Lily of the Catacombs
Summary: Gee, the strange things that happen outside the stories..Nicki's a muffin addict, Lestat's a bit..odd, and my friends and I sit back and watch the chaos..VC, implied slash to slash.
1. Shaylee's Birthday

**Disclaimer: I still dont own anything but myself, sadly enough, and this insane...imagining and those that follow. **

One fine evening, whilst sitting at her computer:

Lily: Shaylee, I want a muffin.

Shaylee: Well it is my birthday! I've a whole plate over in the kitchen!

Lily: Yay! I love muffins! Are there banana nut?

Shaylee: Of course! Cant have a birthday without banana nut muffins! Oooh! Look at what I found:Pulls out sexy picture of Lestat:

Lily: Oh my God! It's BETTER than a muffin!

Shaylee: Yes it is. Hey! Where did the muffins go?

Lily:turns her head in a super scarey slow fashion: Nicholas...

Nicholas:swallows, hiding something behind his back: Yes?

Lily: Where did the plate of muffins go?

Nicholas: I have no idea! I didnt see them in the kitchen to begin with...

Lily: If you didn't see them, how would you know they were in the kitchen?

Nicholas: oo um... :sees the picture: Ooooh!

Lily: Dont change the subject! Where did the muffins go?

Nicholas: ...well...you see what happend was...

Shaylee: Oh look! Here's one of Lestat and you!

Nicholas: Ohh! I look so sexy in violet..

Shaylee: That is a good one, isnt it?

Lily: Shaylee! Stop distracting him!

Nicholas: Alright alright! I ate the muffins! I'm sorry!

Lily: It's ok. I baked some cupcakes anyway. We can eat those.

Shaylee: Oh! Cupcakes! Just as good as muffins! Where are they?

Lily: In the kitchen. I just took them out of the oven. :smiles proudly: Without blowing it up.

Shaylee: We're so proud!

Nicholas:...Lily...Can I hav--

Lily: NO! You've had enough sweets!

Nicholas: I just wanted a glass of milk...

Lily: You dont drink milk!

Nicholas:...Such things apparently didnt stop me from eating the muffins...

Shaylee: Haha, he's got you there. So how'd they taste Nicki?

Nicholas: If only Lestat was covered in frosting...:lightbulb goes off: ...I'll be right back!

Lily: Nicholas de Lenfent! Oh, he's hopless.

Nicholas:dragging Lestat behind him: You have to see these! Look at how sexy I look in violet! What do you think Lestat?

Lestat:hovers around the computer: That one of just me was pretty smashing. Oh, I'm not from London...

Nicholas: You can say smashing! It's cute!

Lestat: Awe, you're cute when you call me cute. :snuggles:

Nicholas: I always knew you loved me more than Louis:heart:

Lily:bring out the cupcakes: Here we go! And with milk! ...Nicki, what happend to your cravat?

Nicholas: I lost it.

Lily:...While it was tied around your neck?

Nicholas:points to Lestat:

Lestat: I swear it wasnt me:Trying to stop his hands fiddling with Nicki's buttons:

Shaylee: Let's get this party started! This way I can explain away the missing muffins...:pointed look at Nicki:

Nicholas: Lestat ate them too!

Lily:dancing: Whoa, Shaylee. You're old now..

Shaylee: So very very old..But not as old as those two... Though I act my age, not my shoesize...wait, no I don't. Cupcakes are tasty you know... Fine you have the muffins Nicki and I'll have the cupcakes.

Nicholas: I can have both if I wanna! And we aren't old! Just...not young...right Lessy!

Shaylee: You're both ancient!

Lestat:nods, catches Nicki's eye, then shakes his head:

Lily: Sorry Shaylee, but we're going to have to go. It's bed time for little vampires.

Nicholas/Lestat:beams:

Lily: Not. Together.

Nicholas:cries:

Lestat: Ohh..no fair...

Lily: Come on. At least I let you two stay in the same house..


	2. In Which Nicki Eats The Wrong Muffin

**Disclaimer: Still dont own them. I still wish I did. No muffins were harmed in the making of this chapter. Sadly, I cant say the same for Shaylee.**

Nicholas:happy munching on a muffin:

Lily: If you give a vampire a muffin, he's going to ask for milk.

Shaylee: Here ya go:hands him a glass before he takes another bite:

Nicholas: Thank you! You should write a book Lily.

Lily: About what?

Nicholas: Vampires eating muffins.

Shaylee: A short book. Don't they have a book along that line?

Lily: Yes, they do.

Nicholas: Awe, I've no more muffins...

Lily: Sorry dear. I think there's another pack in the kitchen. Save me one please.

Nicholas: Right o:walks into the kitchen: But I'd be in the book! And Lestat too! Cause I luff him:heart:

Lily: We all know this Nicki. Believe me, we know.

Shaylee: Haha, poor Nicki. He never gets to show how much he cares for ol' Lestaty. Show us, Nicki, how much you love him!

Nicholas:glomps Lestat: I do love him! Very much:cuddles:

Lily: Awe...

Shaylee: Aren't they adorable!

Lily: I wish I had a violin. Nicki just isn't right without one..

Nicholas: Yes. And I cannot play meloncholy music on a muffin...delicious as it is.

Shaylee: Yeah, that's true..and a violin would be the ultimate awesomest thing ever. I'd have like ...five. Nicki, did you just eat that muffin?

Nicholas: Yes, why? Was I not supposed to:panic: It wasn't Lestat's muffin was it!

Shaylee: I dont know about that. Nicki, I think you have a problem...

Nicholas: Why! What did I do:freaking out: I want my Lestat!

Lily:whispers: What was wrong with the muffin?

Shaylee:whispers: Nothing. Hehehe! Nicki, do you need to see a therapist? Or go to MA?

Nicholas: MA? What's that! Am I gonna die! LESTAT:crying:

Shaylee: Muffins Anonymous! Sorry Nicki.

Lily: Wouldn't it be Muffin _Eaters_ Anonymous? Cause he isn't a muffin...yet.

Nicholas:crying still: Oh why won't my Lestat comfort me! I need a cuddle...

Lily: You're going to give him a heart attack Shaylee!

Shaylee:Shoves Lestat in front of Nicki: Comfort the little crybaby Lestat!

Lestat:glomps Nicki: Sshh, darling.

Shaylee: I'd reckon he'd be pretty close to a muffin. :points to his ears: Are those chocolate chips I see in there?

Lily: No. Stuck a q-tip in a bit too far and haven't been able to get it out.

Nicholas:parts his hair way to the side, dons glasses and fingerless gloves:

Lily: Shaylee! Look what you did! You made him emo!

Nicholas: The glomping fails. I'm gonna die.

Lily: Way. To. Go. :glaring at Shaylee:

Lestat: Ah! Why must they all turn emo and leave me! -weeps-

Shaylee: I'm sorry Nicki. :pulls out the q-tip: I didn't mean to make you emo. :offers a glass of wine: What can I do to make it up to you?

Lestat:looks at Nicki concerned, his arms still wrapped around him:

Nicholas: You're the one who let me eat the posioned muffin! Bite her! And make it unpleasent. I'll try not to die until you come back.

Lily: Hurt Shaylee not me!

Shaylee: Nicki, the muffin wasn't poisoned.

Nicholas: Then I'm not going to die?

Shaylee: No Nicki, you aren't going to die.

Nicholas: Yay! I still dont like you. Lestat, kick her!

Shaylee: Meh, I dont care Nicki.

Lestat:kicks Shaylee:

Shaylee: OW! Lestat!

Lestat: He told me to and I love him. :snuggles into Nicki:

Shaylee: Well, it's ok then. :sniffle, wipes tear:

Lily: -giggles- You really need to lay off the muffins. It's not healthy.

Nicholas: But they're so delicious!

Lily: Here, try a brownie. :offers:

Shaylee: -rubbing leg- What about...fruit salad and icecream? Aww yum. Now I want some! With cream on top! -runs off-

Nicholas: I do like fruit...and whipped cream...Will you share?

Lily: It's good to eat fruit! Yay Nicki!

Nicholas:...Can I borrow the whipped cream afterward?

Shaylee: If you like me again, you can have some. And you can steal the whipped cream when I'm not looking.

Nicholas: mm...Ok! I like you! -steals the whipped cream, then comes back for Lestat-

Lily: -shouting- You'd better not get that on my carpet!

Shaylee: At least it's easier to get out than wine! Bye Nicki! Bye Lestat! -waves cheerfully-

Lily: Well my carpet is black..

Nicholas: We're back! -grinning-

Shaylee: I want black carpet. I have black curtains...Whoa, that was quick! What did you's get up to?

Nicholas: Oooh...nothing...But your carpet remains spotless Lily!

Lily: Good. I wish I had curtains...Are you sure you're done?

Nicholas: Yup! We made strawberry short cakes!

Lestat: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM!

Nicholas: Oops. Sorry...I won't next time! I promise!

**Author's Note: Sadly enough, these are actual conversations. Just in case you wondered. No. I'm not crazy. I promise.**


	3. A Turn For The Worst

**Disclaimer: Same as before. **

**In this chapter we get to meet a new friend! Secrets and lies exposed! ...I think I've been watching too much Maury. XP To catch you up, turns out he DID get whipped cream on my carpet, so I sent Lestat away to spend the night at my friend Kaitlyn's house. Nicki saw Louis leave though...poor thing. **

Lily: How did Lestat behave last night? Nicki was very upset. The thought of Louis being here, and not for a good chat...It just breaks his heart.

Kaitlyn: Yesss, he was fine. You can have him back now!

Nicolas: -GLOMP!- Mine! -huggles Lestat:

Kaitlyn: -laughs-

Lily: Awe...How sweet.

Kaitlyn: Yes, it's all so cute.

Lily: I'd be carefull Lessy...He knows...

Lestat: -completely ignoring Lily- Hello m'love! I missed you!

Nicki: I missed you too! -cuddles- You're just so...cuddley!

Lestat: Hey now...Shh! Dont go telling people that...They can all see it though. Just look at me! -smirk-

Nicki: Do I ever not? -snuggles-

Lestat: Awe, you're too sweet..

Lily: Awe...Maybe Nicki's forgotten about...that.

Kaitlyn: Maybe. Let's hope for the best!

Lestat: NOOGIE!

Nicki: ACK! That hurts! I'm sunburnt!

Kaitlyn: Tee hee! Picture time! -pulls out camera and starts shooting them-

Nicki: -cries- Oh, so much pain...

Kaitlyn: You and Lessy work it!

Lestat: -slides up all cunningly next to Lily-

Lily: Ack! What do you think you're doing?

Lestat: -cracks a smile and giggles- You know you like it girlie..

Lily: Like what? -arches brow- Ugh, you've got vampire-muffin breath. Eww.

Lestat: -does the lame breath-check thing-

Lily: You are so...not popular. I've not met one person who says you're the favorite vampire.

Kaitlyn: I haaaaave!

Lily: They love Louis. Even Emo!Louis has a following!

Kaitlyn: My friend's all like...OMG! VAMPIRE SEX WITH LESTAT!

Lestat: See! I told you!

Nicki: -glaring death- You did what with who now?

Lily: So much for hoping for the best...Lessy's in trouble now...

Lestat: You know you want to Nicki...C'mere.. -tickles his chin and looks at him temptingly-

Nicki: And that other...girl? And what about Louis! I know he was here last night!

Lestat: She wanted it! And I did give in...What? No! NO! Louis was not... -panicked look-

Nick: I KNEW IT! -stalks to the corner to pout-

Lily: Look what you did you jerk! I'll cuddle him. -cuddles Nicki-

Lestat: -pins Nicki to the wall- I'm sorry m'love. - wraps his arms around him-

Nicki: -shoves him off and sits on the other side of the room- Too late! I'm mad at you!

Lestat: NOOOO!

Nicki: Yes!

Lestat: -wraps his arms around Nicki's legs and begs and pleads-

Nicki: There's the girl, and the Louis...and AKASHA! She's OLD!

Akasha: I am not! -slaps Nicki- How dare you bitch! Lily...kill him! -sits in her corner and weeps-

Lily: Where did you come from!

Lessy: Now look what you've done Nicki! You're terrible. She's beautiful!

Nicki: What about me! She hit me!

Lessy: You deserved it! And you're absolutely gorgeous Nicki!

Akasha: WTF Lestat! I thought you loved me! -cries- Kill him Lily! Kill Nicki!

Lily: No! I like Nicki!

Akasha: -glares-

Nicki: -glaring at Lestat- You're unfaithful. Whore! -shoves him away-

Akasha: Let's all kill Lestat!

Lestat: NOOO! Please no!

Lily: Yeah! I wont have a story then! Think of all my fans! ...Though I could make this a bitter love tragedy...

Nicki: -listing all the people Lessy slept with- I bet you dont even love me!

Akasha: I just want him dead!

Lessy: I do! I do love you!

Nicki: So why all the others?

Lessy: I got what I needed? They put out man!

Nicki: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO! How do you think I feel now? I'm half insane cause I loved you! I wanted to be with you! It's your fault, and you abandon me!

Lessy: Nooo!

Nicki: Armand was right! You're a selfish trollop who deserves to be alone!

Lily: -whispers to Kaitlyn- Maybe we should duck out before the violence starts. I doubt it'll be sexy violence...

Kaitlyn: I'm with you...

Nicki: -goes a'rumaging through the kitchen for deadly things-

**Author's note: Oh my! A cliffhanger! A crappy one, but one no less! What shall happen to Lestat? Will Nicki ever forgive him? Sadly, school starts up on Monday, so I cant promise speedy chapters anymore. I'll try my best to complete the next part, but ...I've got my summer homework to finish, not to mention what I'll be getting, my job, and marching band. Yeah. So! I'll get to work on part two and I'll hopefully have it up soon! Thanks for reading and reviewing! By the way, Kaitlyn's the one I did the other fanfiction with. Muffin points to her!**

**Lily**


	4. In Which Something Uneventful Occurs

**Disclaimer: Same as always my dears! I'll letcha know if things change**

Kaitlyn: Hey!

Lily: Hi.

K: how are you?

Lily: ...Well. After Nicki took out the knife and started throwing things...I had a bit of a mess to clean up. He locked himself and my room and watched The Company of Wolves about 4 times...He's still curled up in my bed.

K: Awww! Poor Nicki.

Lily: Yes. He cut Lessy up preeeeety good though!

K: -chuckles- Oh dear...

Lily: I'm fine though. That's all that matters!

K: The whole cutting up isn't good...

Lily: Dont worry about Lestat. I gave him a Hello Kitty bandaid and he was fine. So how are you?

N: -strolls out in emo-garb, singing Miss Murder-

K: Damn!

Lily: ...He looks hott emo... -stares in awe- Louis better watch out

K: -Laughs-

Lily: Man, you should have heard the fight...

N: Yeah. You missed it. I thrashed him. And not the pleasent sense of the word...

K: ...Oh.

A Few Hours Later...

Lily: Um...you might wanna keep Lestat for a while...

K: Why?

Lily: Um...it's for his safety. Nicki isnt...better... Lestat hurt him, and poor Nicki cant get a women...

K: Aww

Lily: Yeah, so much for the revenge sex. Poor thing.

K: Aww poor Nicki!

N: -More emo than he was before-

Lily: And yet...he's the hottest emo-kid I know.

N: Thanks. Hey ...other girl...-fiddles with CD player-

Lily: Her name's Kaitlyn.

N: Right.

K: Yess? What about mee Nicki?

N: What about you?

K: Nicki _is_ a hot emo.. Can I jump him?

N: NO.

K: Why not? -pouts-

N: I dont feel like it.

K: I could do him easily right here right now

Lily: Yeah, Lily doesnt wanna see that...

K: -Laughs-

Lily: Dont you feel even slightly bad Lestat? You broke his heart, turned him emo, and now he doesnt even want sex! _Or muffins! _

Lestat: He stabbed me!

Lily: You deserved it.

L : I was only having fun...

N: Whore. I loved you first.

L : I'm sorry Nicki. Take me back?

N: No. You have to beg. And Plead. And CRY

Lily: This should be interesting. Want some popcorn?

K: Yesss!

L: I refuse to do any of that you foolish emo

N: Why? Because I'm not one of your whores?

L : Because that's morally degrading to a gorgeous character such as myself

Lily: -comes back with a bucket o popcorn.-

N: Bitch! So you dont love me!

L: I do love you!

N: If you did, you'd be willing to say you were sorry for hurting me so...Would it kill you to at least _screen_ your whores? I mean, Louis - ok. Random girls off the street - NO. Besides...I'm better than they are. In more than one way.

Lily: ...Nicki's...kinda got a point there...about sleeping around that is..

L : fine. -wraps his arms around Nicki- I'm sorry Nicki. I love you. I do

N:...just one tear? One little one...please?

Lily: -whispers- Oooh...will he do it? The suspense! -giggle-

K: -chuckles too, and eats a little popcorn-

L : Must I cry for you? Isn't the pining of my body enough for you? The yearning I'm feeling, for you up against me.. as close as can be.

N:...-shrug- Works for me. But tell me one thing... Who's better, me or Louis?

Lily: -Snort- It's better than a trashy romance novel!

K: It is! I agree!

L : Must I answer that? You should know that it's you.

N: I just wanted to know...Why? -evil sexy smirk-

Lily: Oooh...I'll have to be careful with my giggling. I'd hate to choke...

K: -nods-

L : Oh how you tempt me so.

N: Well?

L : Well what?

N: Aren't you going to tell me why I'm better than Louis? Or should I say how?

Lily: How can people not love this! It's great! Better than Muffin Obsessed!Nicki

K: -Laughs-

Lily: Now! You two...get back to being all...smutty!

K: -nods-

**Author's Note: Yay! So everything worked out. Sorry, but, the fight was too bloody to be depicted in writing. Haha. It was kind of a lame chapter, yes, but remember, I'm balancing work, homework, school, and deadlines, so! At last I've given you something right? And now they've kissed and made up, which means there's plenty more action to come! **

**Lily**


	5. Savvy!

**Disclaimer: Still the same as always. On to the madness my duckies! **

**Poor Nicki...his misery finally gets him something good.**

Nicki: -mumbling- Louis was here again...

Lily: Sorry sweetie. I'm sure it was nothing.

N: Yeah...and Shaylee's a blueberry muffin.

L:...She could be...

Shaylee: Could be what? -blinks-

L: Dont..dont worry about it Shaylee. Nicki's all upset again. Stupid Lestat...

S: Have you talked to Lestat about how you feel Nick?

N: Yeah...I nearly killed him last time. You'd think he'd learn...

Lestat: -sneaks back into the room-

N: Where were you!

Ls: ...Um... -sweating- Just taking care of some business...

N: With whom?

Ls:...No one?

N: You're lying through you teeth. Badly.

Ls: No I'm not. -examines blood on his collar- Well, Louis wont be back for a while..

N: I KNEW IT! AGAIN!

Ls: Really Nicki! It's not what you think!

N: -Angry- What do I think?

Ls:...I'm sexy?

N: -Death glare-

Ls: -Licking his lips- It was nothing, really. Tastey though...Hey let's go dancing!

L: You are totally ADD Lessypoo...

Ls: -Dashing smile-

L: ADD is not sexy.

Ls: Damn. Not even on me?

L: Dont get your hopes up.

N: Ok! -Glomps-

S: Well...they both seem to have ADD...They're perfect for each other!

Ls: -Leads Nicholas into the ballroom, queing the music.-

S: Right. So how was your day Lily?

L: I shot myself in the face with a hose.

S: Ouch. What were you doing with a hose?

L: Cleaning the floor...supposedly. Scalding water straight to the face.

S: Oh, no good. You alright?

N: I love dancing Lestat! ...So why was Louis here?

Ls: Oh? He was? Why didnt he stop to say hello? -Advoiding Nicki's eye-

N: -Suspicion!- You just said he wouldn't be returning. Meaning you saw him. I've caught you again! Tell me true!

L: I'm good...Lestat might not be...

Ls: Hmm? What is it Nicki? -Pulls him close and embraces him- Louis is...um...dead!

S: ...Well, Lestat is clever...in his own way...I hope...

L: I dont think Nicki's buying it...

N: So it's THRICE you've lied to me! First you say business, then you dont 'remember' him being here, and now, NOW you say THIS! -Shoves him away-

S: I guess not.

Ls: Now Nicki I didnt lie to you! He was business taken care of. He was here, now he's not. And he didnt say hello - never got the change. I sucked him dry, I did. Honest. Hug me?

N: No! You aren't that messy an eater! What did you do to get blood on your collar?

S: Oh no. Nicki isnt believing him! I missed the first fight...but I dont want to see the second.

L: Unless their clothes come off...

S: Lily, now is not the time!

L: Sorry...-sniffle-

Ls: A struggle. I mean, it WAS Louis.. -Comtemplates- He did put up a rather good fight...But I did it for you! So we can be together! -Attempts to hug him-

N: I dont believe you! You love Louis! Prove it to me. Besides, you cant kill a vampire by bitting.

Ls: You can if you put him into the sun to dry. -Smirks, wrapping his arms around Nicki- I dont love him, I love you my little violinist. What must I do to make you believe me?

N:...But if you'd put Louis in the sun, you'd be burnt. Not to mention the sun wont rise for hours yet.

Ls: Alright, so maybe not dead. Yet. Hmm, well. You are a smart one. Shall we put him in the sun then?

N: I dont want him dead!

Ls: Really? Oh, good then. I'll let him go.

N: Come. Here.

Ls: Yes darling? -Walks back sheepishly-

N: I'm going with you. -Takes his arm-

Ls: You...are? Ok. Let's go.

L:...That was totally anti-climatic! I wanted violence!

S: Not today I guess. Maybe next week huh? Shall we see how this little escapade goes?

L: I"LL GET THE POPCORN! -runs off-

N: So where is he?  
Ls: Outside. Pinned to the ground by a stake. ...Not too barbaric is it?

N: That's horrid!

Ls: By a chain Nicki. He isnt bleeding. Is it really that bad? He's unconscious. He wont know.

N: We're going to have to talk about this. Why would you want to kill him?

Ls: -Waves hand impaciently- I do quickly tire of things Nicholas, though not you. Never you. I just want it to be me and you, Savvy? Hmm. I like the idea of being a pirate...all that rape, pillage and plunder...and rape..

N: -Giggles- Well Poppet, you didnt have to stake him.

Ls: -Giggles- You called me Poppet... -Unstakes Louis- Marry me Nicki?

N:...Do I get a ring? -Blushing-

Ls: -Finds a lollyring- You'll get a really one...eventually.

N: Ok! -tacklehugpounceglompkissofdeath-

L:...Shaylee, is it legal for two gay vampires to get married in Australia?

S: Yes. But it must be done by a celebrant. Not a priest.


	6. How Many Definitions Of 'Cake' Are There

**Disclaimer: See chapters 1-5. Nothing's changed. **

**But it's time for a weeeeeeddddiiiiiiiiing! You know you wanna see Lessy in a dress. I saw you thinking about it. Dont deny it. I know everything.**

**Spooky, no?**

Our dear friends have been very busy. Planning a wedding. There were decorations to do, colors to pick, cakes to make...

Nicki: What are you doing Lestat?

Lestat: Making arrangements for a cake. -Flipping through a cake book- It makes me feel important. Ooooh, this one looks nice.

N: Ooh. I like cake...

Ls: I could pretend to be a cake... -Shakes can-o-whipped cream suggestively-

N: I _really_ like that kind of cake. -Licks his lips-

Lily: Shaylee...this is turning into one of those '18 years or older' things, isnt it?

Shaylee: Definately on the verge, yes.

Ls: -Walks into the bedroom, still shaking the can-

L: Drat!

S: What is it?

L: I wanted to watch...-sad-

But yes, the cake did get ordered. Both of them. And thus it was, a slow but steady process that took all of ..oh...a half hour...give or a take a few 'interruptions'...

And then the day came!

Lily: Shaylee! Hurry up! It's for the wedding!

Shaylee: What wedding? Where is it? Where's my invitation? Did Lestat pick a cake? Who are the bridesmaids? Who's preforming the ceremony? Right now? -slight panic-

L: -Blinks- Um...Outside in the garden. Right here. Yes he did. We are. Some guy. Yes.

S: Alright. We'll this is good enough, let's get on with it. -walks outside- It better be good cake...

N: It is! It's red velvet! -grins-

S: You can't go wrong with red velvet!

N: I'm so happy! Where's my Lestat? -Looks around eagerly-

S: You know he's always late...

Ls: I'm never late! Everyone else is just early.

S: Oh, I'm ever so sorry Lestat! -Mock upset-

Ls: -Scoffs, walking up the aisle to wait for Nicki, a smile on his handsome face.-

N: -Trying to refrain from tackling him and...well, we know by now, dont we.- Hi. -heart-

Ls: Hello Darling. -Takes his arm- Now where is this 'some guy'?

N: Gone home? -Bloody smile-

L: Nicki! Not again!

N: I'm sorry! I was hungry. I didnt know he was important! -most bitter sadness-

S: It's alright. Lestat do you?

Ls: I do.

S: Nicki, do you?

N: Of course!

S: I now pronounce you ...um...Just make out.

L: So where are you going for the honeymoon!

Ls: Yes, where are we going Nicki?

N: ...To bed.

Ls: -Picks him up- Already there my friend. -Disappears-

S: -sniffling- What a lovely ceramony!

A day or two later...

N: So what do we do now that we're married?

Ls:...Fight, complain and lose our sex drive.

S: -giggles-

N: -horror- No! Not the sex drive! I want a divorce!

Ls: Ok. Let's do it then. You only live once after all. I can handle 'friends with benefits'.

N: -clears throat-

Ls: ...Exclusive friends with benefits?

N: Much better. -smiles-

**Author's Note: Well, I promised an update didnt I? And so I deliver! Now NEXT chapter is going to be fun, exciting, and just might involve a kitten. I like kittens. They're so cuddley. So enjoy and stay tuned. And review. Cause if you dont, you get no more. **

**Lily**


	7. Armand was where?

**Disclaimer: Read the other ..what is it now? Seven chapters? Believe me, you'll know if something changes. Which it wont.**

**Ah, the three greatest things in the world are thrown in this chapter - Armand, Kittens, and Fruity Pebbles. But what's the connection? You shall see my dears...you shall see...**

N: All of the muffins are gone! -horror striken and depressed-

L: There was a whole plate in the over three minutes ago!

N: I cannot find them! Oh woe is me! I shall drown like Ophelia!

L: That's my job. And you cant. You're immortal.

N:...Damn.

S: Lookit what I found! -proudly holding the tray of muffins-

N: -Goes all teary eyed- Oh! My muffins! My precious, delicious muffins! -reaches for one-

Ls: -snatches the tray away-

N: Hey! Does this have anything to do with the divorce? I shared the lawyer with you!

Ls: -Sits down in a corner and munches happily, a big grin on his face-

L: Dude! I want my muffin!

N: -Looks at him cutely- Will you share with me Lestat, my bestest friend in the world?

Ls: -Protectively huddles over the muffins, but hands one to Nicki-

S: Don't worry about it Lily. There's more in the oven. Strange though, when I was baking, I found Armand.

N: -Wide eyed stare of horror-

L: Armand? Was he in the sock drawer again?

S: No. The cabinet.

L: -Conviction!- I THOUGHT I heard someone in the Fruity Pebbles last night!

-DING!-

S: Muffins are done! -runs off-

L: -smirks in the direction of Nicki and Lestat- Ha! My muffin will be all hot, and fresh and delicious! And your's arent!

N: -Stares- I'm cuddling with Lestat and you aren't.

L: Awe...-tears-

Armand: -Pops out of the pantry to cuddle Lily-

L: -Is suddenly dressed up as Claudia- Oh snap...

Ls: -Cuddles Nicki-

S: Hey...where's my cuddle!

A: -Takes note of Lily's dramatic wardrobe change- You! I have you now! -picks her up-

L: What the--! Shaaaaaayleeee!

S: -Looks up from eating her muffin- What? Oh...right. Lestat, go get Claudia...Lily...her.

L: -Jumps up, striking a heroic pose- Dun d-d-d-unnnnnn! Lestat to the rescue, with Nicki as my lovely sidekick!

A: -Stares at them, then walks off-

L: Can I at least finish my muffin!

N: I am lovely...but Armand tortured me, remember! I'm scared of him...

L: He did! -Shock and anger- Well! Arrrrrrgggg! -tackles Armand and saves the day-

A: Ooooooooooowwwwwwww! Ger-off L-stat!

N: He did indeed...and then I died. -pout-

L: -Hits the floor twice as hard- Ow! Hey, that HURT! What were you thinking Armand!

Ls: -Gets off Armand- That wasn't very nice...killing Nicki...

A: Spur of the moment Kiddo! As for Nicki, I can't help it if you made him insane in the first place.

N: -goes Emo-

L: Awe...no muffin for you Armand! And no more Fruity Pebbles!

Ls: -sulks-

A: Fine! I'll be leaving now. -stalks off-

S: Are you ok boys?

Ls: I'm ok...-Looks at Nicki- What would make you feel better love?

N:...Can we get a kitty?

Ls: -Smiles, handing him a black box with a red ribbon- An early...um...birthday gift!

N: -Squee!- It's a kitty! -Cuddles it- Now, no eating it. -gasps- What should we name it!

Ls: Mr. Puddles.

S: -Looks at him strangly-

Ls: What? It's a cute name...

N: What that name?

Ls: Don't you like Mr. Puddles? -lower lip quivers- Look, it suits him. -Picks up the kitten, who's all black with white paws-

L: Awe...Nicolas, Lestat and Mr. Puddles...Adorable!

S: I think so too!

Ls: So, do you want to call him Mr. Puddles? -holds up the kitten for Nicki to see- He's sooooooo little and cute...-huggles kitten-

N: Fine. We'll call him Mr. Puddles. -huggles both Lestat and Mr. Puddles-

Ls: Yay! -kisses Nicki-

L: I love happy endings. Makes me smile...or throw up.

S: -steps back- Which does this one do? -cautious-

L: ...Smile. Definately smile.

**Author's note: I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up! I'm almost out of ideas! Yes, I can hear your horrified gasps. But fear not! I shall think of something. Something good. Whahaha! -clears throat- So yes. Another chapter done. With Armand in it. Prepare to see him again. Oh yes...and maybe one more time after that!**


	8. Oh My!

**Disclaimer: Whoa. And I mean whoa. This chapter is definately not for children. Trick or Treat?**

L: I think Nicki's feeling much the same. He's been gathering things...

K: heh

L: ..And watching Pirates...I'm starting to worry. He called _me_ Poppet..

K: heh

L: ...Can you do _anything_ else? It isnt much of a conversation if I talk to myself..

K: Yes I can. Sorry..just thinking. I'm kinda mad. Mom said Louis could come and visit...but he never did.

L: Sorry poppet. Ah! Not again!

N: Louis...-glare-

K: I've seen him twice

L: Wrong Louis, dear.

K: My boyfriend... has seen him more in the past month or so than I have seen him in what seems like the past year

L: -huggles- I'm sorry. Muffin?

K: It's all good. I don't mind

L: I know. I'm sure Louis' disappointed too.

K: He told me I was lucky that I got to see him twice. Most everyone else saw him like once

L: Ouch... Well, isnt he just a loser!

N:...Lily, can I borrow your knife?

L: ..um...sure?

K: what's going on now?

N: Oh nothing. Where's Lestat?

L: You wont get blood on my carpet will you?

Ls : Right here why?

N: -totally evil smile- Hello my love...

Ls : Touch me and I kill you Nicki

N: Why?

Ls: Or rather stab me and I kill you.. I like the way I am.. no beating me or stabbing me or ripping me up please

N: I wasnt going to stab you...not intentionally anyway... You see, I had a brilliant idea..

Ls: Really now? What's with the knife then?

N: Oh, you'll see.

L:...PLEASE no blood on the floor! I just cleaned it..

N: I wont. I promise. -kisses Lessy- A bit apprehensive are we?

Ls : Hell yes.

N: Oh why? Do I frighten you?

Ls : with the knife hell yes you do

N: Do you think I'm as horrid as Claudie? Well, you did make me insane.. -more evil grinning- I think I'm fit to make the Cheshire cat jealous..

Ls : what are you doing?

N: Oh you'll see. Very soon in fact..

Ls : Nicki? NICKI?

N: Yes?

Ls : Nicki! What, what are you doing

N: -giggles, chaining Lestat's arms above his head- Just having a little fun. And Now you've no where to run..Ooh! I rhymed!

L:...This could get interesting! Luckily, I bought more popcorn

K: YAY!

L: Nicki! WHAT THE HELL!

N: What? Don't you like a little excitment in your...life..

Ls : -looks at Nicki, both scared and excited-

N: I love seeing you so helpless. It's just so much fun...for me. :playing with the knife:

Ls: Nicki... what's with the knife?

N: You'll see. What's wrong? Did Claudia scare you too badly? Would you believe I wanted you dead? Do I look that evil?

Ls : No.. but. Still Nicki.. what are you doing.. I thought you merely wanted some kisses at the moment.. maybe some ripping of shirts.. but...

N: But what Love? -giggles- Do you really think a few kisses will do?

Ls : Apparently not.

N: ..I cant tell what you're thinking..-raises his head with the tip of the knife- Nope, not at all...

L: I think the emo made have...overdone it... Though it's pretty exciting to watch!

Ls : Of course not. No just get on with it.

L: -giggle-

K: Yess yesss!

N: On with what? -plunges the knife down, cutting open his shirt and cutting his chest a bit-

Ls : - shivers and looked at Nicki, using his legs to bring Nicki in close-

N: Non non... -shackles his legs too- It's my turn now. You'll get your chance...Hmm..I could blindfold you...What do you think of that idea.

-DING!-

L: Popcorns done!

K: YAY!

L : Just take me Nicki.

N: Now why so quickly?

N: Aren't you enjoying the torture? I am..

Ls : You tease me so.

N: That's the point my dear. Speaking of! it's about time I staked my claim. I was first after all...-writes him name with the knife on Lestat's shoulder-

Ls : -winces-

N: Awe, what's a little blood between friends?

Ls : Damn you Nicki

N: Why? Cause I wont give you what you want? Well, what do you want? And you must tell me exactly.

Ls : You to just get to the end of this

N: Oh you simply aren't any fun! If I was the one chained to the wall, you'd torture me too. Fine. How's this for you? -cuts away the front of his pants- Better?

L: I'd say..

**Author's Note: Since it's October, and I love the month, and I have this week off of work, I thought I'd give you a wonderful treat. Next chapter's the trick though. Waha! You can worship me later.**

**Lily**


	9. Everyone Needs A Halloween Special!

**Yes Dears!! It's the Halloween Special!! Every good story needs one! Candy, Haircuts, Flamethrowers...It's brilliant! Oh...What about the rest of last chapter? Lestat decided that was best left disclosed...Enjoy..**

L: -dressed up as Claudia- ...I wonder what Lessy will think...

Kaitlyn: -dressed up as Akasha- Think of what?

L:...Nicki cut his hair.

K: Oooh...

L: He's very proud of himself though. He was complaining about how long it takes to wash and brush, all the tangles...so I suggested he cut it. He's so cute though...

K: I'm not sure Lessy will like this...but you never know with him...

L: True. Very true. Wait till you see Nick in his costume!

N: Hello there! -slide out of hallway, striking a pose. He's dressed as a pirate- Look at me!

L: -laughs- You've become an egotist Nicki...We're limiting your time with Lestat...

N: But look who sexy I am! Just look at these boots!

K: Niiiiiiice! -raises eyebrow-

L:...Ugh...So much sugar...I have a wicked headache...Never again shall I eat the Candy of Halloween!

K: Stop being childish.

L: -looks at her, holding Louis, her bunny-

K:...You know what I mean!

N: Oh, it isn't that bad Lily! You get to look at me! -smiles rogueishly-

L: Why is it that I can't find a simple tea to cure headaches?

K: What do you mean?

L: You have to be skyclad to do anything nowadays!

K/N: -Exchanges a look- Skyclad?

L: Naked.

K: Oh.

N: Oh! -excitement-

L: No.

N:...Can't blame me for trying...

L: I know..No one can resist me eternal youthfullness.

N: -scoff- Yeah right!

L: I hate you Nicki. ARMAND!!!

A: You ...screamed M'lady? -cleaning his ear with a Q-Tip. Armand is dressed as..Dracula!-

L: Get the flamethrower!

A: -perks up- Alriiiight! It's a party now! -runs downstairs to get it-

N: -gulp- Now...Lily...think about this...

L: -sipping Gingerale, waiting for Armand-

N: Really Lily...without me...you'd have no supersexy vampire smut to read...er...watch.

L: -makes the mistake of snorting, Gingerale going up her nose- AHHH!! It buuuuuurrnnssss! Worse than the sun! -hissing-

K: -Points and laughs-

L: Shut up Mama!! -cries-

K: Hey, don't make me take back your present!

L: -looks up- Present? -smile-

K: Yes...well...it wasn't working..

L: ...What was it?

K: It was a picture of you and your vampire family.

L:...Was Nicki in it?

N: -looks up from cutting his nails with a knife. He accidently cuts off a finger by not paying attention- OH MY GOD!! NOT COOL!! -Blood goes everywhere.-

L:...Just reattach it you dork.

N: Oh. -squirting blood-

L:...I mean now.

N: -squirt squirt- ...How do I do that?

L: I dont know! Be creative! Stop squirting on the floor! Go to the sink!

N: -does so, sadly-

L: Boys... -rolls eyes- Anyway...

K: Yeah...He had his arm around you...and his violin in the other hand. It was cute.

L: Oh yay!

N: -peeks out- We're ...married?

K: Yes.

L: Of course silly!

N:...I'm ok with that. -Nods, his finger reattached with a Hello Kitty band-aid around it for extra support-

L: Darling...Vampire Pirates don't wear Hello Kitty Band-aids...

N: Well this one does! Take me or leave me! -puts his arm around lily- Oh...this is nice...I like this...Forget Lestat!

L: -Giggles-

N: -Cuddles-

L: You're so cute Nicki...

N: That's Captain Nicolas to you, Poppet!

L: He called me Poppet...-melts into a googy heartshaped puddle of worship--

Ls: What do you mean, "Forget Lestat?!"

L/N/K: -Looks at Lestat's costume and busts out laughing-

Ls: What?!

A: Alright! I'm back! Let's toast something! -drops flamethrower, catching Lily's dress- What. The. Fu--

L: AHHHH!! Put it out! Put it out!! -Dancing around on fire-

N: -Runs off to get water- I'll save you m'love!!

L: -Burning and screaming-

N: -Comes back with bucket, throws it on her- Are you alright?!  
A: -confused- How come she didn't melt?

L: -Stares through dripping hair- I'm fine Nicolas. Thank you. -Kiss-

N: -grins-

A: -is still confused-

Ls: -Pouts- Why wont you tell me what's so funny?! It must be damn good if it cause Lily to be set on fire as result.

K: Did you choose that Lestat?

Ls: Choose what?

N: Your costume.

Ls: What costume? You know I hate Halloween!

A: I can see why...

Ls: TELL ME!!!

L: -Walks off, coming back with a full-length mirror-

Ls: -Looks, only to find himself dressed...

...as a booze wench.-

The scream which followed was too graphic and filled with too many things no one should ever hear. I'm sure you can imagine though.


	10. The Bleach Clearly Leaked Into His Brain

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. Poo. Maybe for Christmas...**

**Well, wasn't last chapter exciting?! Lestat finally managed to get out of the booze wench costume, but not before we got blackmail photos. And we learned a new lesson while creating this episode - Lestat is slow. And vain... Prepare yourselves for haircuts, heartbreak, and an astounding conclusion that shall leave you saying...well something. **

Ls: OMG!!! Nicki! You cut your hair!!! -is truely shocked-

N: Yeah. I cut it three weeks ago.

Ls: Really? I never noticed...

N: Do you notice it gets darker at night, and brighter when the sun comes up?

L: -sniggers-

Ls: Well I don't like your hair! I like long hair! Long beautiful hair.

S: Please tell me he isn't going to break into musical...

L: I fear for our lives Shaylee...

Ls: I demand you grow it back this instant!

N: No.

Ls: -Looks at him in shock- But I said so!

N: And I said no.

Ls: -beings whining as only a vampire can- Then I put you in time out! Go right now, into the corner!

N: Oh, for the love of muffins! -takes the kitchen shears and hacks off Lestat's hair-

Ls: -Screams like a girl- Noooooooooooooooooo!

N: Haha!! You have short hair too! You cant put me in time out!!

Ls: -Glares, then sits on the floor, making a concentrating face-

L: Should we be concerned?

S: What is he concentrating on?

Ls: Growing my hair back! Now silence mortals!

L: Right. Just be sure to clean up the floor when you're done.

Ls: -Gives her an utterly indignant look-

N: -laughs- You know, it'll be back by tomorrow. You should think so hard, you might hurt yourself. Why don't you like short hair anyway?

Ls: Cause long hair is dead sexy!

N: So...you're saying I'm not sexy anymore.

Ls: You're sexy Nicki, just not as sexy as me when I grow my hair back. -Concentrates some more-

Three weeks later...

N: There, my hair is back. Icky as usual.

Ls: So it is! What took so long?

L: It's been long for three weeks..

Ls: Not it hasn't!

L: You--

N: Lily, don't bother. You'll only drive yourself in circles...

Ls: It's not icky, it's pretty! -Pouts and bats at Nicki's hair-

N: No, it's nasty, and I hate it.

Ls: Awwww, poor diddums! -continues to play with Nicki's hair-

N: Stop it! It's disgusting! Can't I cut it just a bit?

Ls: -Stops and pouts once again- Fine Nicki! Do what you want! -leaves, slamming the door-

L: Talk about a control freak

S: You're telling me. Next he'll dictate what underwear he gets.

N: Lestat!!

S: Um, Lestat's in a mood right now and is currently unavailable. Sorry Nicki.

N: Fine! I won't cut it! I won't even think about! I don't want him to hate me...

L: Poor Nicki...You don't need this abuse!

S: He can be hard at times...Oh Nicki...

Ls: -Walks back in as if nothing happend-

N: -Cries-

L: We should get him a kitten. They aren't mean, and they're soft!

S: And squishy! Uhh, yeah, whatever happend to Mr. Whatshisname? -Whacks Lestat on the back of the head-

Ls: Oi! What was that for?! -sees Nicki crying- What's wrong Nicki?

L: Mr. Puddles. Lestat gave him to Nicki, so Nicki doesn't want to look at him cause he reminds him of Lestat. Who is very mean and made Nicki cry!

Ls: Nicki...? I'm...sorry?

N: No.

Ls: Ok! I'm not sorry!

N: I'm leaving you Lestat.

Ls: -double takes- Whaaa?

N: I'm leaving you. You've broken my heart of the last time! All I did was try something new, and you rejected me! No more! I'm through.

Ls:...okay...-cuddles Mr. Puddles-

N: -Sets a box of Lestat's things by him and walks out-

L: That was kinda sad...

Ls: -Puts the kitten in the box, watching him play before he realizes he could chase after Nicki- Don't leave me Nicki! -runs after him-

L: He's kinda sloooooow

S: He's blonde, he can't help it.

L: I guess the bleach leaked into his brain..

N: Oh? Why not?

Ls: Cos I love you Nicki! -gets down on his knees and clings to him-

N: Ha! Prove it!

Ls: -Thinks really hard and for a really long time- Umm...you can cut your hair?

N: -Throws up his hands on walks off again-

Ls: -Still clinging to Nicki- Oh come on Darling! Don't be such a girl!

N: That's the problem! You don't treat me like you should! You're controlling, insulting and vulgar! You're only in this relationship for the sex!

L: Ohh...He has a point there.

Ls: I am not! If I was, I could get it anytime, anywhere, without your help!

N: Either you're saying you'd rape me or I help you get sex. You're stupid, and a child! Grow up Lestat. -leaves-

Ls: Meh! He's such a girl. -plays with the kitten-


End file.
